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Friday, April 8, 2005

The following is the first communique from a group calling
itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via
an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news
organizations have received this communique, and, if so, why
they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a
panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming,
trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to
report that the words below are at least not disgusting:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We
are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more
than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor
of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of
Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all,
and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too
long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of
extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all
religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions,
fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have
you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to
them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to
be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of
dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you???
Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news
dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to
be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah
has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of
Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever
they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great
idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record
that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or
Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further
discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born
again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God
cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother
Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not
have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and
Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother
Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be
reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like
grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference
between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad
will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over
television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast
calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We
will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for
balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought
through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and
require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand
Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of
mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced
because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists,
spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public.
Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair
specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read
Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not
enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a
lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't
make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean
you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a
nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play
basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except
in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the
world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he
is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room,
and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and
really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against
Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience
was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can
strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony
will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the
government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi
Room after the revolution.
Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens
declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of
undeclared rationality. People can still go to France, terrorist
leader says.

Michael row the boat ashore, and then get some of the local kids
to pull the boat onto the dock, and come visit with jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.